I don't know why, but my mind has been very quiet the past 4-1/2 weeks. Starting from the time my mother went into rapid decline and her subsequent death.

It is an odd state to be in. The closest thing that resonates with me is the image of forgetting to turn the lights off.

I have no desire to withdraw, I do not feel hollow or empty, I am not anxious, nor am I lethargic, numb or indifferent, I have not becoem resigned to my life and circumstance. My mind is just quiet.

I am not preoccupied with any particular thoughts or images. Just quiet.

It is different from peace, or calm, or acceptance. It is just quiet. (The only side effect is that it makes it difficult to blog and to comment on other's blogs because there is not a whole lot running through my mind.)

Image nabbed from here.


b said…
I find myself really moved by this description of quiet, particularly how you distinguish it from desire to withdraw, etc.

Perhaps this quiet is the product of accepting the loss of your mother. There is a tremendous peace about what you describe and thus, beauty, amidst the sadness you must have been feeling for some time now.

I hope you are doing well, Richard, and that this quiet does bring you peace.
Richard said…
breal: The problem is that I cannot categorize it as peace or calm - just as quiet. Yet, it is not lethargy or apathy. I do not sleep more or less. There is simply a level of enthusiasm that is missing. I am no less or more prone to procrastination now than I was before.

There is no question that all other thoughts were pretty much excluded from my mind during the time my mother was dying. The only thoughts were those of what could be done to reverse the trend. I expected that there would be some quietness or stillness following her death, however, I expected it to be tinged with emptiness, loneliness, self-pity. It is not. It is just quiet.

Otherwise, I consider myself to be fine. Thanks.
KayMac said…
"...there is simple a level of enthusiasm that is missing."

This reminded me of a period of time after my divorce...when my daughter said to me..."Mom, you don't play any practical jokes anymore. I miss that."

It was interesting to take a step back and examine that in myself. No deep sadness, no crisis...just a change in me. I never thought of naming it "a quietness" but I think that would describe it.
Could it not be just the equivalent of a flat line...not up or down, just an evenness without crest or trough...perhaps tinged with a slight lack of zeal? probably a normal delayed reaction to the whole ordel of caring, then waiting, then dealing and then _________. I don't know, I've never had it except when on a drug, which I'm now and it makes me lethargic, tired and definitely not my usual bouncy self.

Tough one,Richard, but you don't seem distressed by it at all so I guess you'll see the waves come back to blip your radar screen whenever they do. Hope you're not like this for too long.
ghee said…
well,just savour the time,Richard.so be it...you dont need to force yourself into something that you do not wanna do :)
b said…
I think there is so often an inclination to define everything. And my comment reflects that inclination very well. Defining, analyzing, judging...sometimes we need to suspend those tendencies, as difficult as it is, and just let things be what they are.
tin-tin said…
hmmmm... why don't you go for a vacation? maybe, after thinking about a lot of stuff, your mind needs a break :)
Barbara said…
I'm sorry to hear about your mother. Sometimes it's simply necessary to recharge so that you don't run dry. Take care of yourself and come back to us when you are ready. Meanwhile use your Blog to capture what's going on in your life. It's a good listener.
Richard said…
kaymac: glad to know I am not the only one who has this experience. Somehow, I think it would feel better to actually feel empty, or listless or something, but I don't.

MOI: I am most definitely not lethargic. I expect it will pass - everything eventually does.

ghee: it is not unpleasant, just different from anything I recall experiencing before. I most definitely do not push myself to do things I don't want to.

breal: I am hopeless at always having to analyze everything, which is why this current state is so wierd for me. Not that I am losing any sleep over it.

tin-tin: I am always ready for a vacation. Unfortunately, I took quite a bit of time off last year (I took about 4 weeks last year as unpaid time, in addition to the normal 15 days of holiday I get - granted, only one of those periods was an actual vacation).

barbara: hmmm ... I thought you had known about her death. I blogged about it.

I debated bloggin about this, but decided to indirectly hint at why I am somewhat less active than usual.
Barbara said…
I knew she was sick, but missed the post about her death. Part of me had wondered because you were posting so infrequently. I love the picture of her with your children.
Ya me too. Missed that post about your mom, I am sorry. I can understand how you feel, that strange still feeling in your heart, and that unstirring quiet that numbs you to many things around you,

it was very acute for me when my dad passed away. as I was very young then, it took me three years to get out of it, because i do not know how to manage those feelings.

nowadays, i keep myself so busy...that it became difficult to experience any kind of peace, stillness or quiet feelings.

everything goes by in a whirlwind. i am not sure if it was a result of my traumatic childhood, i am running through life as if I have only one day to live.

so sometimes, that feeling of solitude, that feeling of quiet and not having much going through your mind, may be a good thing.

allows your body to slow down, readjust, still itself..and pick it up from where it left off, in a slow and steady way.

at least, you would not be feeling as lethargic as me. i can't slow down, and i have no idea why!
TorAa said…
I understand your feelings. The only thing I can assure, you'll miss your Mother as long as you live. Whenever you think about your childhoos, she is there. The good memories (I hope).

Death is such a difficult event to handle in our modern society. This is the short version of what I did when my father died. (My mother still are up going and very clear in her mind)

RennyBA said…
So maybe you just need a break or a rest my friend. Our bodies gives strange signs sometimes and of course it take times to accommodate the loss of your mother.
Wishing you a peaceful weekend Richard:-)
busybee said…
I understand what you are saying... I have been there and still am.

I seem to have lost the creativity/inspiration to compose poem or to feel deeply about things or people...

The only thing that has no change is my devotional time with God... it keeps me alive. :)
Richard said…
barbara: certainly during the week she was dying, I was finding it difficult to find topics to post about.

elvina: I don't notice any numbness. I am sure tha tlosing a parent as a child is very difficult. Sometimes a whirlwind of activity is how people try to avoid feeling and coming to grips with themselves. It is easier to keep moving than to stop and take stock of the situation.

toraa: one comfort I take is that I had a good life with my mother, so I have no regrets.

rennyba: you are right, sometimes our bodies give us signs that we do not understand or interpret correctly. At my last job, stress made my body react as if I had a permanent flu.

bee: yes, loss of creativity / inspiration is definitely a part of this. In a certain way, it is like the emotional range has been compressed. There is nothing terribly unpleasant about my current state, but it is definitely on the lacking side.
vina said…
i am sorry to hear about your mother, richard.

Popular Posts