Forbidden Planet

A week or two ago Jason asked, "What is 10 minus 100?" "Minus 90," I said. "No, it's zero," he said. "If you have 10 and you take away 100, then you take away all 10 and you have zero. Ha Ha! I'm cool, you're not!" He is always asking about numbers and seems to be pretty good at math. A few weeks ago he surprised me by asking for my dad's age and then my age and almost immediately working out the difference (68 - 41 = 27). I was pretty impressed because that is pretty good for a 6 year old.

Four clips from my favourite Marx Brother's movie, Animal Crackers .

Three friends die in a car accident and find themselves in a processing room in the afterlife. As they are processed one by one, the angel asks them, "When you are lying in your casket and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first friend replies, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor who helped the lives of many." The second friend says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful teacher who made a difference in the lives of the children I taught." The last friend thought a moment and said, "What I'd like to hear them say is, 'Look, he's moving!'"

Well, maybe not. That was the title and opening words from a piece of SPAM in my inbox when I got into work. At least this one was honest. Here are two others I found amusing Attain your true masculinity by New Year! Operating under a UN mandate in Iraqi waters. Dont understand, hope you can help Might be, for he suggested the idea and gave roseto? On the table, over which all three had been eagerly did not pass unnoticed by the crowd of girls won by her tender they stepped aside, ordered a silver oil-can, inlaid with gold Sorry, I can't help you, I do not understand either.

Got this in my e-mail this morning: always fresh, always hot.

Despite trying to be conscientious and considerate, I do, on occasion, make errors of judgement. So far, none have been fatal, but some are humorous (at least to me). Here are some faux-pas I have made over the years that I find amusing. I returned home one afternoon around 14:30 and found a message on my answering machine from a friend in Japan. Doing a bit of quick math, I added 12 hours to the current time and arrived at 20:30 – 21:00 Japan time. I called her and was greeted with a very groggy "Moshi, moshi" at which point I realized ... oops ... it is not 21:00 local time, but 03:00. I apologized and let her get back to sleep. Another time, I was over at a friend's house for dinner and I noticed his wife had a rounded belly. I congratulated her on being pregnant. She replied that she was not pregnant just overweight. Oops. I later did something similar several years later when I asked an overweight and pregnant coworker when she was due. She told me she had given birt...

"No." "Oh, man. I'll have a beard!", Jason said stroking his imaginary beard. You might think this exchange occurred during a long drive. It didn't. We had entered the mall to get JJ a haircut and this exchange occurred as we were walking toward the hair salon. Jason is 5 years old.

"No," I said, "and I am not going to buy you any candy, chocolates or chips." "Da-a-a-d, will you buy this gum for Jason?" Tania asked. "Smooth," said the cashier.

"That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight." exchange between policeman and Groucho Marx in Night at the Opera

What? Does he, like, cut it everyday?" Tania, my 8 year old daughter, commenting on our neighbour yet again mowing his lawn. He is retired. He has been for a while, but this year he has become obsessive about all manner of yard work. It may be a consequence of his suffering a heart attack earlier this year. Sofia says she has seen him mowing the lawn twice a day (morning and evening).

because you like his work is like wanting to meet a duck because you like paté." , Margaret Atwood, Negotiating with the Dead: A Writer on Writing

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament. Dear Vincent, I am feeling badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up the garden plot. I know that if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me. Love, Dad A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Dad, Don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the bodies. Love, Vinnie At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the ...

I discovered this as I was going cleaning up images on my computer. I don't remember where I originally found it. If anyone knows the source, I will happily credit them (although, the image does lead me to believe is was probably here ).

A woman died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will advance one minute." "Oh," she said, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," she said. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's [insert favourite politician's name] clock?" she asked. "Oh [insert favourite politician's name]'s clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."