Quiet
I don't know why, but my mind has been very quiet the past 4-1/2 weeks. Starting from the time my mother went into rapid decline and her subsequent death.It is an odd state to be in. The closest thing that resonates with me is the image of forgetting to turn the lights off.
I have no desire to withdraw, I do not feel hollow or empty, I am not anxious, nor am I lethargic, numb or indifferent, I have not becoem resigned to my life and circumstance. My mind is just quiet.
I am not preoccupied with any particular thoughts or images. Just quiet.
It is different from peace, or calm, or acceptance. It is just quiet. (The only side effect is that it makes it difficult to blog and to comment on other's blogs because there is not a whole lot running through my mind.)
Image nabbed from here.
Comments
Perhaps this quiet is the product of accepting the loss of your mother. There is a tremendous peace about what you describe and thus, beauty, amidst the sadness you must have been feeling for some time now.
I hope you are doing well, Richard, and that this quiet does bring you peace.
There is no question that all other thoughts were pretty much excluded from my mind during the time my mother was dying. The only thoughts were those of what could be done to reverse the trend. I expected that there would be some quietness or stillness following her death, however, I expected it to be tinged with emptiness, loneliness, self-pity. It is not. It is just quiet.
Otherwise, I consider myself to be fine. Thanks.
This reminded me of a period of time after my divorce...when my daughter said to me..."Mom, you don't play any practical jokes anymore. I miss that."
It was interesting to take a step back and examine that in myself. No deep sadness, no crisis...just a change in me. I never thought of naming it "a quietness" but I think that would describe it.
Tough one,Richard, but you don't seem distressed by it at all so I guess you'll see the waves come back to blip your radar screen whenever they do. Hope you're not like this for too long.
MOI: I am most definitely not lethargic. I expect it will pass - everything eventually does.
ghee: it is not unpleasant, just different from anything I recall experiencing before. I most definitely do not push myself to do things I don't want to.
breal: I am hopeless at always having to analyze everything, which is why this current state is so wierd for me. Not that I am losing any sleep over it.
tin-tin: I am always ready for a vacation. Unfortunately, I took quite a bit of time off last year (I took about 4 weeks last year as unpaid time, in addition to the normal 15 days of holiday I get - granted, only one of those periods was an actual vacation).
barbara: hmmm ... I thought you had known about her death. I blogged about it.
I debated bloggin about this, but decided to indirectly hint at why I am somewhat less active than usual.
it was very acute for me when my dad passed away. as I was very young then, it took me three years to get out of it, because i do not know how to manage those feelings.
nowadays, i keep myself so busy...that it became difficult to experience any kind of peace, stillness or quiet feelings.
everything goes by in a whirlwind. i am not sure if it was a result of my traumatic childhood, i am running through life as if I have only one day to live.
so sometimes, that feeling of solitude, that feeling of quiet and not having much going through your mind, may be a good thing.
allows your body to slow down, readjust, still itself..and pick it up from where it left off, in a slow and steady way.
at least, you would not be feeling as lethargic as me. i can't slow down, and i have no idea why!
Death is such a difficult event to handle in our modern society. This is the short version of what I did when my father died. (My mother still are up going and very clear in her mind)
http://www.fotothing.com/taaboe/photo/dbd32bcfd847b132061708bfc8a56b3c/start=91
Wishing you a peaceful weekend Richard:-)
I seem to have lost the creativity/inspiration to compose poem or to feel deeply about things or people...
The only thing that has no change is my devotional time with God... it keeps me alive. :)
elvina: I don't notice any numbness. I am sure tha tlosing a parent as a child is very difficult. Sometimes a whirlwind of activity is how people try to avoid feeling and coming to grips with themselves. It is easier to keep moving than to stop and take stock of the situation.
toraa: one comfort I take is that I had a good life with my mother, so I have no regrets.
rennyba: you are right, sometimes our bodies give us signs that we do not understand or interpret correctly. At my last job, stress made my body react as if I had a permanent flu.
bee: yes, loss of creativity / inspiration is definitely a part of this. In a certain way, it is like the emotional range has been compressed. There is nothing terribly unpleasant about my current state, but it is definitely on the lacking side.