What I've Learned

We become who we are because of the experiences in our lives - some good, some bad.

Nobody's life is perfect. I have never met anyone who had an idyllic life (maybe I just haven't met enough people), but I have certainly encountered many who have had very hard and difficult lives.

As a general rule, I think my life has been pretty good, but there are certainly things in it that have shaped who I am. I wish I could frame my life in terms of positive experiences, but the shaping forces have been negative. I guess negative forces shape us because they define our boundaries - extend beyond it and you get hurt.

I think the reason positive and pleasant experiences don't shape us in the same way as negative one is because we are amorphous - without clear bounded shape. We extend and expand ourselves in whichever direction we wish to go - stopping if we encounter pain.

As we get older, we become so boxed in by the negative forces in our life that we feel hemmed and trapped. At this point we begin to notice kindness and gentleness. We have become so trapped in our protective shell that a little kindness is an oasis to which we outstretch and extend ourselves.

So what have I learned in the first half of my life?

When I was 3:

I learned that people lie. A boy threw a stone through our window. I saw him. When I accused him, he denied it.

I learned adults will defend liars. The boy's father was obviously an unreasonable man who was unwilling to distinguish between his son's lie and my truth.

When I was 5:

I learned that children would say mean and untrue things. "Extra! Extra! Read all about it! All the boys are mental retarded!" The girls would run through the schoolyard shouting, to be followed by a gang of boys shouting the same except substituting 'girls' for 'boys'

I learned that there are pointless rules I am expected to follow (like nap time when I was not tired)

When I was 6:

I learned that children would exclude you from games

When I was 7:

I learned that friends would steal from you or break your things.

When I was 8:

I learned that children would pick on others. There was a girl in my class that I frquently defended.

I learned that people cut into line ahead of you (this was at a drinking fountain in a park, despite my protestations, the excuse was, "I asked if she would let me in.")

When I was 9:

I learned that friends thought it was fun to play "Lets run away from Richard" games.

When I was 10:

I learned that having curly hair made you fair target to be called a girl

When I was 13:

I learned that an invisible barrier was set up between boys and girls when they entered high school (my high school was grade 7 through to grade 11).

While not an exhaustive list, and probably everyone has similar ones. Shorter, longer, less hurtful, more hurtful, it doesn't matter, because we all had imperfect experiences.

In my case, the experiences taught me one thing: caution. The older I grew, the more cautiously I trusted. The more cautiously I gave of myself. The less I was willing to trust my emotions and the more I relied on reason. So as I wrote earlier, Stoicism is something I came to naturally. I believe in people, I believe in their goodness, but experience has taught me to temper my emotional desire with objective reason.

Now, I also mentioned that our experiences shape us and hem us in. Enclosing us in a prison of our own making. Only when we feel we are completely trapped to we begin to notice the beauty and gentleness around us.

The first time I recall what I consider a selfless act of consideration from a friend was when I was 29. Does it mean that until then I had never been nourished with an act of kindness? Or does it mean that I was more receptive to it at the time? I am not sure. I think it is both (on the whole, I think my life has been good and positive without much hardship or trouble and Ipositivesily pick out postive moments, but for some reason the one I want to share always strikes me as the pre-eminent one).

For reasons I prefer to keep to myself, I plunged into a deep despondency in May of 1995. I wrote an e-mail to a friend - the contents of which I don't remember (I don't think I mentioned I was depressed). But, there must have been something in the tone that concerned my friend, because 5 minutes later she called me out of concern. I don't remember the conversation. I only remember her calling and us talking and the feeling of gratitude that I had. Somehow, the Universe had granted me, without my having to ask for it, without (I think) dropping any hints, the gentle comfort of a friend in an otherwise bleak world.

"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils." - Hector Louis Berlioz