Tu me manques, hier soir

I missed you last night
I woke up
It was dark

I did not hear the furnace fan
I turned to see the time
But it was dark

I assumed a power failure
I reached out to touch you
But you were not there

Maybe I had been snoring
So you left me, to sleep with the children
I fell asleep


I woke up again
I reached out for you again
Once more, you were not there

I remembered ...
I was in Ottawa
You were in Montreal

I was lonely

For those who don't know (which is probably everyone - since this blog is not known by anyone I know - except Ingrid whose example inspired me to try my hand at it), Sofia and I work (and live most days) in different cities.

I work in Ottawa (which is were I have held my latest job for the last 5 years). Sofia has been working in Montreal the past year. Distance between homes (yes,we have two houses) is 170Km. Travel to my job adds another 30Km. I work a 4 day week, so I can spend more time at home.

The reason we are in this situation is because for the past few years I had been really down and totally lost and out of it (not that an outside observer would notice since I can easily be described as emotionless). Since I wanted to leave my job, Sofia felt pressure to find a job, which she did in Montreal.

I took 6 months leave of absence earlier this year. The intent was to see if we can survive on Sofia's salary. We can. And for me to pursue some of my own projects. I couldn't. It just was not possible with Jason around the house.

I had hopes that when JJ would go to school, I would have more free time to sort out my life. Unfortunately, in Quebec (the province Montreal is situated in) you have to be 4 years old on September 30 in order to go to pre-kindergarten. Jason turned 4 on October 2. Sadly, there is no exception to the rule.

Consequently, this meant either (1) I stay at home and watch over JJ - this means we are treading water financially and I will not be able to work on any of my ideas. Or, we can send him to daycare ($7 a day), but, then what is the point? As well, not financially viable.

So, here I am back at work. It is a good job, with a good salary and benefits (not to mention a pension worth 45% of my salary if I stay here until I'm 65).

I've looked at jobs in Montreal, for my level and experience, they pay at least 15-25% less than I get right now. As well, they require better French proficiency than I possess (yeah, I'm playing French language CDs in my car as I drive - to brush up). Jobs I know I can easily get are advertising at 30% to less than 50% of my current salary.

All I want is to be independently wealthy. With a house on the side of a mountain overlooking a private lake. Is that too much to ask for?


Your poem is beautiful. (And not at all like the words of an emotionless person.) :)

I find some interesting parallels to my own life in your post:
1) My husband and I have been married for 16+ years, but have only lived and worked in the same city/state for about half that time. He currently works in California, while I work and hold down the family fort in Georgia.
2) I work for one of those companies too (software), with the salary, benefits, and the elusive pension that I'm always too frightened to think about much (the thought of being there until I'm 65 is scary...I'm now 42...eek.)
3) I answered one of those "memes" recently (on my blog...but later deleted) that someone had "tagged" me with. One of the questions was "5 things I plan to accomplish before I die". One of mine was: build a house on some acreage with a nature trail and lap pool...but personally I think your idea is way better. :)
Richard said…
It's not really a poem ... more of a bullet point list of sentiments and events I experienced that night (I just fool everyone by formatting them verse-like ;)

I did not say I was emotionless, I said an outside observer would describe me as such. I am plenty emotional - but, my exterior demeanor does not reveal that.

Being a family apart is tough. I certainly hope I don't have to spend half my marriage doing it.
Ah yes, I suppose I worded that poorly. What I meant was that as an outside observer, I wouldn't describe you as appearing emotionless. Your words were lovely, nonetheless.

Like you, my husband works a 4-day week (and fortunate enough to recently be able to work from home every other week). The distance is tough at times, but it has permitted him to pursue some long-term personal goals, and I'm happy to be supportive of that. Our kids are a bit older, and each of us are involved in our own endeavors and activities, which make the weekdays fly by rather quickly.
Richard said…
No, your wording was correct. The problem is that since this is a "private" blog, not shared with any I know (aside from Ingrid), I let down my hair and bare my soul - so to speak.

If you met me face to face your first impression would likely be sternness and stiffness (think Mr Spock, T'Pol, or 7-of-9, I am probably more like 7-of-9 in my social skills). My expression rarely betrays what I am feeling.

You husband is lucky to be able to telecommute. My company rejected that option - they also rejected a compressed work week, so I work a shortened work week (they fear setting a precendence - although, I am the only one in this situation).

Thanks for dropping by. I feel so guilty not leaving comments on your blog. But, I did read most of it and wish I could take back my original comment, because you seem to have had your blogging legs since post number 1.

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