I am

Two simple words, totaling three characters in the English language, which are used to self disclose and to self define oneself.

I am hungry. I am honest. I am loyal. I am outgoing.

Simple as those words are, they carry within them seeds of deception.

If I say, “I am honest”, perhaps I have spoken truly. Perhaps I am expressing that “I wish I were honest”. Or, perhaps I am just lying to you.

“I am” has a more special significance for me because it used to be the way I described myself. When people would ask me who I was, I would reply “I am” or “I am me” – which would usually get me a “What is that supposed to mean?” type of response (especially from guys).

For some reason, I lost that sense of self a while back. While I now feel better, I don’t feel I have returned to the state of “I am”.

I discussed this with Sofia a few months back after registering my surname as a domain name and setting up a webpage (which to this day only says something to the effect of “future home of my website”). I told her that I had of loss of identity – I could not find a way in which to express myself, how to defien the site, what theme to go with. She did not understand, for her I am that guy who likes those weird shows, who is religious, who likes sweet stuff, who enjoys museum, etc … For me, those are not me, they are characteristics of me just as my height, weight and age are characteristics of me. I would not say that my curly hair defines me anymore than my liking The Twilight Zone defines me – they are facets of me, but they are not me.


Bee said…
You need to find your "soul" just like King David always did. He always speak to his "soul"... the deepest part of you.

I found my "soul" through blogging. Some found my "soul" too when they unlayer my thoughts through all my blogs and posts.
Richard said…
I'm not that lost anymore. I think it is more a question of finding the right branding for me.

Some people seem content to stick with what they know - while I may like something, while I may have an affinity for something, after a while it may grow old and stale if it is static and unchanging.

Dynamic relationships are good because they change. Static relationships, the kind where you always do the same thing, always have the same conversations ... welll, they grow old too.

It is the same with identity, I need something that reflects who I am now - but I am not yet sure (ok, ok, some people are much faster at this self discovery thing than I am - I prefer to be slow and steady).
Oh I love Twilight zone too!
Don't worry about who you are. It will come to you naturally when you wake up one day, truly understanding your calling in life. Maybe what you are now - is what you are. The philosophical guy who is very in touch with his soul, and knows what his principles are, what he stands for, and the values he live by.

You are also a faithful virtual friend to both Bee and myself - and a very sincere one at that.

You are who you are, just like I Am What I Am.

You will always be Richard, the one I respect and trust. For all your support and marvellous advice.
ingrid said…
Hi Richard,

I would like to say "here here!" to Elvina's comment. You are in part who other people see you as. And more. You are also your private thoughts.

What traits and habits do you identify others with? I note their values (things they love, hate, or am abivalent about); their responses (when do they laugh, when are they sad, what do they express concern about); their quirks (do they ate anchovies on their pizza? if so why? is because they had a bad experience with fish when they were a kid? or that they are afraid to try new things? or do they just not like anchovies because they are too salty?) etc... We are all of these things and soo much more. Much more than a brand. Changable and interesting. I think that its ok to not know exactly who that is in this moment. But to recognize your actions and "see" who you are by your responses. Or just to live in the moment.Some things, we will never ever know about ourselves, and will only ever be seen by others.

Like Shrek, we are all onions. With layers.
Richard said…
Hmmm ... I am wondering if I should have concluded my post with a disclaimer stating that my mental and emotional states are fine.

The problem is that I am lacking something. A certain "arrogance" I used to have.

You could say I am looking to reclaim some lost innocence, but ... going back in time is not what I am looking for.

I am functional, but I am aware that something is missing. Perhaps it has always been missing, but I have now just noticed it (kind of like that dimple on the bottom of your foot that has alawys been there and you only discover it after stepping on something painful).

Maybe I induced a false memory during my woe-is-me about the illustrious pre-woe-is-me time :)

It is something, a connection of some sort. I feel it like a fastener that has not properly closed.

It is one of those irritating "I can't put my finger on it" type of things. Everything seems normal, yet ...

I appreciate your heartfelt concerns and encouragement. It does wonders to massage the old ego once in a while.

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